A change is better than a rest

For the first time in weeks, no months, I've actually felt a little bit of zip about me today. I've been so miserable and disinterested in everything. Been feeling really old and low and just not my usual self. Haven't written anything or even felt guilty about not writing anything forNot been getting much done and feeling like I have no time to do anything - but when I do really have time, I can't be bothered to do anything and manage to witter the time away pointlessly. More than ineffectual.

It should be such an wonderful time for me - Annie is on TV every week in the spelling bee and there are publicity events coming up here and there, which are very exciting. But it's only really now, the last couple of days, especially today, that I feel I am really a part of what's going on around me and living it....and loving it! I've got my pep back back and I'm raring to go, with so many ideas buzzing around that I've started writing lists (lots of them!)

So what's the impetus for this change of pace and spark? Well, it's made me realise that I really and a creature of change. Strap me down for too long and I don't strain at the leashes, I lie down, placid an give up - and that's rubbish Coll! Anyway, wave a waft of change at me, and I'm off. Like a whippet out of the blocks! (it's the Derbyshire lass in me.) 

Last time I felt like this was when I'd decided to stop teaching. I bought a computer, felt completely overjoyed with potential. Bought a new laptop and made the decision to go, go, go with my writing. Unfortunately it didn't happen. In fact Aidy lost his job the very next day. Which was somewhat of a bummer to say the least. But we moved on.

And I've felt like I'm slowly sinking. I didn't realise it. The decision to move to ESL teaching and go to Uni was my big decision of this year and I felt good about it - and still do. But it didn't give me quite the buzz that I'm getting now. So, what is it that's set the fire going in me? It's change. Big time change. And I really want it to happen. And I'm making it happen.

We're moving house and moving area and I'll need to move jobs and the kids'll need to move schools and there's SO much to do..........and I couldn't be happier!

I am a bit of a freak aren't I!?

I hadn't realised just how much I was stagnating and how unhappy I was until the possibility of something new came along. And I'm really happy and so full of joy at the possibilities that lie ahead.

I'm so positive right now - I really want to make this work!

Let's see how long it takes me until my next post!! :-)

Inspired at last!

Wow! There's a light shining bright in me - finally!
Spent the best part of the day thinking. Not much else, just thinking.....scribbling down notes, googling, scribbling out notes and thinking.

And I think I'm there. I think I've got the plot sorted for the children's story I've been sitting on for the last 2 years. Got to say, I'm pretty chuffed.

I've working out who I want to exist as the 'main' character, scrapped (twice) the idea of a dual narrative, worked out the 'twist' at the end and thought long and hard about motivation, relationships and character. It means I've pretty much got to start from scratch and rewrite what I've done so far, but I'm cool with that, and feeling really motivated to  make a fresh start. It's not ground-breaking, I don't think kids are going to be flocking to read it, but it means I'll put pen to paper and actually get on with something.

I've done so much reading of children's books, which I love, but every time I read something, I think to myself, "I could do this. What does this author have that I don't?" I'm sure I have the experience, the intellect, the patience and definitely the desire to create my own story. Truthfully, I even have the time, though I manage to fill it with so many other 'important' things! So (and I know I've said it before,) NOW is my time.

All I have to do now is write it!

A New Year

Happy New Year!

So it's the time for new beginnings, fresh starts, turning over a new leaf, out with the old in with the new......

Ridiculous really, that we wait for a particular day to say 'from now on I  will...' 

I guess we have something genetic or inbuilt that means we like things to be structured or ordered, from a beginning point to an end. This accounts for the frustration we feel when we set ourselves a target and don't achieve it. Our whole lives are structured, patterned, from start to finish, birth to death.

I get frustrated when things aren't finished or achieved. It's the niggling knowledge in the back of my mind that I wanted to get something done and didn't. It affects no one but me. Sometimes no one else even knows about it, but me. I'm hard on myself. I know I'm not the only one!

So, I don't want to harp on about all the things I wanted to achieve last year and didn't. Or wax lyrical about the things I'd like to achieve this year. I'm not going to list excuses and reasons for not getting myself sorted - I'm apologising to no one but myself, which is utter madness! 

I know what I want to do, I've been wanting to do it for years and years. I know, that at some point I will. I'm quietly confident and just need to get on with it now - in my own time, but get on with it!!

And that, is my first post for this year. A year, when I hope I'll start to make my dreams a reality. A very exciting year!

Coll

Teaching To Inspire?

My job is to educate, my passion is to inspire.

When I go to work, I need to remind myself that I am there to put in place the building blocks that will help children to become strong, resilient and enquiring adults who can thrive as a future generation.

Skills such as mental computation and spelling are important - but for tomorrow's generation, they certainly won't be as necessary. My computer alters most of my typing errors, underlines words for me that don't seem quite right, offers alternatives. Most people's phones, watches, PCs and who knows what 'gadget of the future' will calculate discounts, taxes and any other numerical needs. Most of us don't know more than 4 or 5 phone numbers or passwords anymore as our devices have learned them for us. Any fact we need (what's the capital of Greenland, who got the Oscar for Best Actress in 2014, which Queens did Henry VIII behead...) is now 'googled,' and answered in milliseconds, rather than rote learnt over much time.
When was the last time you used a paper dictionary, hand wrote something longer than a note, mentally calculated a string of numbers?

Are we teaching our future generation the skills they are going to need?
I have to teach children the skills they will need to perform jobs that haven't even been invented yet.
I need to teach my students skills to deal with things I know nothing of.

It's such a wonderful feeling to create an air of electricity in the classroom. To have children so excited about what they are discussing, that they are bursting with enthusiasm and can't wait to share their own opinions and experiences. It's wonderful to see so many 'lightbulb' moments, when a child realises with joy, that they've discovered something new to them.

The scope for individuality as a teacher and as a learner is narrowed every time the government creates another policy that stipulates curriculum requirements. However, encouragingly, much of the new curriculum is aimed at moving forward, towards tomorrow and away from traditional classroom practices. There's much mention of technologies,  the environment and sustainability. The problem is that there's just too much of it - so many subject areas, and with a stronger emphasis on social-emotional skills, self-reflection and student led reporting, there's just not enough time to do everything.

What then, I have to ask, is it most important to get done in the precious time I have with those children. What will they learn? What will they retain? What will they need to know? What will inspire thnt to make the new curriculum work for me, in my classroom? I want to give my children the opportunity to explore what interests them and present it in a way that builds their confidence and self-expression and gives them the opportunity to practice the skills they'll need to function in our future, as well as inspiring others around them.

Now, I'd better get down to some programming....

Old Ladies and Their Animals

Not really anything inspirational to say today, other than some rather lovely observations - the things you see when you actually take time to look!

And today it was "Pets."

I grew up surrounded by lots of pets. We always had dog, cat, shed full of finches, aquariums, canaries, rabbits, hamsters etc. And I'm very aware that my kids don't have the same experiences. They'd love to, but circumstances just don't make it work:

Firstly, we go overseas to visit relatives back in UK every year as well as an occasional holiday or camping trip. It just wouldn't be fair on the poor things to be put in kennels for all that time (especially for a dog - as I frequently point out to my eldest.) We have no family over here who could look after them and it seems a bit unfair to be constantly asking friends...especially if we still want them to be friends!

Secondly, and probably most importantly, I'm very allergic to pet hair now. Never was as a kid, but as I've got older the allergies have just skyrocketed. Especially with cat hair. Currently trying a course of immunotherapy injections, so maybe things will ease. We'll see.

We did get pet mice, but one died after about 3 months and the other one stinks and hides whenever the kids get near it!

Anyway, as I was out having an early evening power walk yesterday, (oh, so proud to  point out  that I did actually get off my arse!) I couldn't help notice the number of old people, no old ladies, who were out with their pets.

In the half hour I was out, I saw 5 old ladies (4 of them smiled at me!) and 5 pets.

What was so funny was that 4 of the 5 had dogs with them that resembled them in some way: either the colour of their fur/coat (see photo above!), the curliness of the fur/hair or the way they walked - seriously. Two of the little dogs were so hunched over, like their owners and were hobbling along/being dragged. One of them walked 10 paces or so, paused to get its breath and then shuffled on again...as did its owner.

It was so gorgeous - I'm definitely on 'dog watch' when I next venture out for a walk.

And what about the 5th old lady? Well she was sitting on her drive in her wheelchair, just soaking up the last of the evening light and saying hello to whoever strolled   power walked by. She was so sweet, clearly just wanting a bit of company. I'd love to get an Aussie-pseudo-gran for my kids.

And the final pet I saw?

Two beautiful tabby cats curled up on the doormat of their house, clearly waiting patiently for their owners to get back from work. I envisaged the fuss they'd make when they heard the car pull into the drive and how they'd rub against the owners legs, miaowing happily.

I wanted to put the lonely old lady and the two lonely cats together.

I'd love to have an adoptive cat that visited me when I needed company, but didn't depend on me in case I went away. I'm sure my kids would like that too.

There's a certain warmth, companionship and sense of the familial about owning  a pet. There should be a 'rent-a-pet' or 'pet-share' for the elderly or people like us, who just can't have one themselves.

And that's my observation for today!

Slipping Through My Fingers

"Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning 

Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile 

I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness 

And I have to sit down for a while 

Slipping through my fingers all the time...."

My girls were aged about 1 and 3 when I first heard these lyrics - and I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing!
Hearing the song today, still causes my eyes to sting and I have to fight the urge to 'just have a good cry!'
I challenge any mother of a young girl to watch this clip and not feel emotional...

So it happened around 7 years ago. I'd decided that I deserved a break from 'just being a mum at home.' I needed a bit of 'me' time and  get out of the house, so I'd taken to going to the cheap night at the local cinema by myself while my man babysat the girls, aged about 2 and 6 months. Mamma Mia was one of those films he had absolutely no desire to watch whatsoever, and I love a good old musical.

I was happily chain-eating my over-sized carton of popcorn, thoroughly enjoying myself, when this song came on as Meryl prepares her daughter for her impending hen's night. I stopped, popcorn in hand and the emotion just flooded out of me. What a sight, a grown woman, sitting alone in a dark cinema, tears rolling down her face!

I guess I hadn't thought far ahead enough to contemplate the day that my little girls would be leaving me, showing their first vestiges of independence, no longer totally reliant on me. I certainly wasn't ready for it.

Anyone who has a baby or toddler can't really envisage their child being independent enough to go off to school and certainly not leaving home to start a 'grown-up' life of their own.

Well,  I had another 'emotional moment,' and had to swallow the lump in my throat this weekend. I found myself casting my mind back to 7 years ago and me, crying in the dark cinema.

I'd just sent my daughters, now 7 and 9 into BigW with a $10 to pick out a birthday card for a friend. "Make sure you check the change," I'd called after them. I turned round to pay for the coffee I'd just ordered from the mall coffee cart, glanced back over my shoulder, saw them entering the store, hand in hand, and  hesitated...should I go after them? 

What was I doing letting them go off on their own?

They looked so big and confident.....and yet still so little. Still my babies. Such good girls. Horrific scenes of them getting lost, being spoken to by strangers, falling and cutting open their heads, flittered through my mind...but no! I have to let go sometime - and that time was now.

I waited so anxiously for their return, it felt like forever. But sure enough, they came out of the store all smiles. They'd chosen a lovely card.

"I got the right money back," my eldest informed me, (oh, so grown up,) 

"Mum, can I keep some of the change to buy lollies?" (Boom! and there she is, my little girl again!)

I had to smile to myself.

I learned a lot from this day. They ARE growing up, I do have to let go, they need me to. But, as I keep telling them.... they'll always be my little girls.

And they're not slipping through my fingers, like sand in an hour glass. Their characters are being formed grain by grain, building them into the independent women I want them to be - confident in their individual sandcastles on the solid mother-daughter foundations we've made together.

A Lot of Leaves!

Just a perception.

Can't help noticing that gardening in Australia is much harder than in England. Ok, so things grow in England because of all the rain, but it rains a lot here too - and when it rains here, it REALLY rains!

I know that weeds grow....well, like weeds, in the good old English garden. And you can get quite a bin full. But here is Australia, the leaves never stop!

It's like there's no autumn 'fall,' it falls all year. There's always leaves or something to come off the trees - blossom, gum nuts, twigs (yes, we have weeks of 'twig' fallout!) and leaves. the pathways are never clear of something falling. It only ever looks 'tidy' for a day or so. Hence the phrase "The Constant Gardener?"

First world problem I know, and something that never worried me when I did live in England, as I don't think I ever did a day's gardening in my younger days, but, nonetheless, just a perception.

A Nice Pear...

You don't realise just how much you've missed something until you get it back again.

I ate my first pear in years today.
I can't begin to describe just how wonderful it was! Crunchy, sweet, soft....
I 've missed them so much - ridiculous I know!

I've got a beautifully assorted collection of allergies that I've just learned to live with over the years.  I never had a problem eating anything as a child, a bit of hay fever, but otherwise all good - until I hit my twenties...

Apples were the first thing to go, causing my mouth to itch and gums to swell. Then peaches and other stoned fruit. Then an alarming reaction to cherries, which caused wheeziness, itching and cupfuls of saliva, meant a trip to St Mary's allergy clinic in London.

They sent me to Sainsbury's - where I had to buy,  "anything I suspect I may be allergic to." I  came back armed with a variety of fruit and veg, was duly skin-prick tested and reacted beautifully. My forearms became a palette of circular, itchy, red welts of varying sizes.

I was diagnosed with Oral Allergy Syndrome, given some leaflets about it and sent on my way with the advice to avoid eating anything I thought I might react to.  Basically I was told that I was allergic to anything that sporred in the birch season (which causes a bit of an issue now I live in Australia where the seasons are all upside-down and the birch isn't even a native species.)

And so it has been. For the last 20 years. I've avoided them all.

Every so often I tried just a little bit of something to 'see if I still puff up and itch' - I did! Until today.

I couldn't resist the pear I was chopping for my daughter, so tried just a little...then a little more....and I was fine!! I waited a good hour then raided the fruit bowl. God, they were delicious. I had 2 whole ones.

I'm not recommending that anyone should be so blasé about their allergies. Maybe I'm just lucky- today. Pears were never really on my list, I'd always assumed they were just the same as apples, though a friend of mine tells me they don't have any salicylates - so maybe that's my problem.

To be honest, I don't really care. I've discovered something wonderful today.

I'd rather eat pears than chocolate!

Really? Fruit beats chocolate? Who'd a thought it!

A Golden Day

First post for 2015. It's interesting for me to read back and see what excuses/blocks I have for not getting writing done!

Well today is my first 'golden' one - again! And I'm loving it - And I WILL write.

Went on a writer's course in Sydney (beaut location just near the harbour bridge!) about writing for children. The ''how to get published" part was glossed over a bit, and I'm still not entirely sure what to do - but let's face it....I ain't  going to be bothering any publishers in the near future, so  I'll worry about that another time!

Decided that I will simply finish the book I've started, just so I have 'something!' It won't be a masterpiece, but it will be done - and I know my kids will love it!

How many 'golden days' will it take to get the whip cracking?

Inspiration...

I love our house! Sitting here in our backyard, listening to the lorikeets squawking and whistling away, their colourful bodies darting around or peeping out from the greenery, the sun shining on the treetops, casting delicious shadows upon the ground...it's idyllic! I'm so lucky!

Really, who wouldn't want to be sitting here right now? It IS inspirational. I just want to sit back, soak it all in and never forget the moment.

I've been very conscious of the passing of time recently. Very aware of my own mortality and the changes that are taking place within me, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to see how the body can fail you, before the mind is ready. Every time I see an old person with a  stick or slowly making their way across a busy road, it gives me pause for deeper thought...they were once young, managing a family and work, rushing, busy, painfree...and I will one day be like them. I guess the irony of life is that no matter how much you read about ageing and the passing of time, no matter how many times someone tells you to treasure what you have, (your youth,  the excitement of new love, beautiful young children with their innocence and lives before them) you cannot truly appreciate it until the moment has passed and you allow your self time to reflect upon it. Well, that's what I'm doing now! And boy, I have  been so lucky!
And will hopefully continue to be - there's lots of life left to be lived to the full yet - and I guess I'm starting to want to live it to the full and appreciate it more, as my time moves on.

Where's the spark gone?

where's my spark gone?

Well, I've been into hospital, felt terrible for ages and feel that I just might be creeping round the corner to recovery. The fact I've finally found the energy to post is amazing me in itself. I'm beginning to get back a bit of that Coll-drive and feel I want to be achieving more than I am right now.

Work is ok - far too much of it to do in the time I get, end up working til crazy o'clock at home - and it's only going to intensify when I'm full time in a few weeks. That's one reason, I think why I feel more compelled to have something else to focus on in my life.

Kids are being really difficult at the minute - I waver between feeling like a helicopter-over-anxious parent, to one who needs to be there more for her child. They need to build resilience and stand up for themselves, but they're also so fragile and still very little. They're young for such short time, I want them to look back on a happy childhood where I was there for them - but also need them to be strong women to cope with the future.

Been doing heaps of reading lately, some trash, some parenting advice….and feel quite reflective. That's good.

Had a great idea for a website that I feel could be a real hit and there seems to be nothing out there like it at the moment. It's certainly set a fluttering of  momentum deep inside… who knows. It's something that could catch on big time and have many contributions from many places. I like that idea!

Back in it…?

Well I''ve been around the world again… and now know it's got to be time to get back to it! Finding it hard to 'stir the stumps,' but forcing myself.

Was very pleased to have written 3 chapters of my book, and I'm quite pleased with how it's going. I'm sure it's totally not what publishers are looking for, both in style and genre, but it's something, and it's my something! Whilst it looks like it could be a very basic 10 chapter easy reader, I'm determined to finish it, for finishing's sake!

Been feeling very tired today, had an arvo kip instead of writing. Had bad news that I'm going to be getting the sinus surgery I knew was coming, in 4 weeks! Much sooner than I expected. Feeling very nervous actually. Before then however, I have school reports to start and finish. Stress levels are rising as all the other staff seem to be well into them. I have yet to start (even manage to procrastinate at that !) Also, found out that I'll be working full time for the second half of the year, which has suddenly condensed the time I have to do my book into a few precious days…… and I've been asleep for most of this one.

Not in the most positive frame of mind mentally today, am I! Guess I need to get out into this gorgeous late autumn sun and catch some rays, do some steps and revitalise myself. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm building in my determination, not only to start reports, but to get another Chapter written before I get back to work…

We'll see….

…..And She's Off!

OFF THE BLOCKS!

HOORAY!! I've done it! I've finally made a start! Chapter one of my first ever book almost complete!

It wasn't actually as hard as I was making out. I literally took the advice of every writing site I've been procrastinating over the last few weeks, and started to write.

It's certainly not perfect and I know I need to make a few changes already, but I've got a plan and I'm feeling very happy about it. I decided that the book idea I've had on the back-burner for over 8 years now, is just giving me a headache, it's so complicated, so I started something else altogether and I'm keeping it simple. Probably too simple, but at least I'll have something down and done.

My aim now is to write another 2 chapters this week.

Decided I need a laptop of my own, so I can get down to it any time I like!

A happy lady…..and I've still managed to include some time travel in my story…you see, I AM a nerd!

Book Trap!

Oh boy, I love to read. I love it when you get so totally engrossed in a book that you think about it when you're away from it, dying to know what's going to happen, looking forward to getting back to it, thinking about what you can get away without doing so that you can read more..... and getting nothing else done!

That's me now, so stuck in to a book I can hardly function outside of it. So much has been put on hold until I've finished it.
I'm so proud of myself for  actually doing what I said I'd do and writing something today....though the irony is...it's about my book! Only another 100 pages to go and life can restart!
Except, I found out today that there's a sequel...Sorry kids!

Been Around The World…..

I've done my fair share of travelling - and still have the desire to do much more, but has it really changed the person who I am inside. I think it has…although, that could just be the travelling through time…I've matured as I've matured!

It's always a suspended moment in time when you chance upon an old travel diary, as I did earlier today. I've always been an avid keeper of diaries when we're away on holiday; including postcards, admit tickets, maps etc to remind me - a little like scrap-booking now I come to think of it (or as near as I'll ever get to doing scrap-booking!)  I love re-reading them.

Reading a diary isn't just about remembering a place where you've been, what you did, what you saw etc it's about capturing a moment, the very essence of it - the emotions, the  thoughts, the 'you' that used to be. I find the past 'me', quite fascinating to read. It's so interesting to see what things I thought worth writing about: how they made me feel, how I thought I should be writing and the language I was using, what feelings I'd had for my partner back then, what new discoveries I'd made (and the emotions that went with them.)

Just re-read my diary from our first trip to Australia - we later emigrated, but the seeds were planted form the very first day we were there.. How could I have known? It's not the memories of visiting the Opera House , Barrier Reef etc for the first time that are interesting to read, but the everyday relationships and my reactions to situations that I find so fascinating to look back on. And I was so insecure. I thought I was a pretty confident, outgoing leader at work, but it was funny that once I was back in the mix with certain individuals from my younger life, whom I'd always felt I didn't quite match up to, socially, financially, class-wise(?) - I immediately questioned myself and the way I acted. I'm not sure I still do that - I think time has taught me to be myself and I don't really care what people think anymore….I don't think.

I love to read the excitement I capture in my 'firsts' and the coy way I write about sex, as if I still expect my  mum or someone to maybe read it one day! I love the steadiness of my Mr A and the way that even 25 years on, he's still my rock - been a pebble and even a boulder every so often, but generally a good solid rock. We've grown up together, shaped each other into becoming the people we are - and luckily I still like those people!

I have really detailed diaries from Thailand, Russia, Australia, France and Iceland, spanning about 10 years before kids. And then nothing! I guess the fact that I wrote about morning sickness at length in the last of my diaries show that having kids really did put a stop to the delicious time I made for myself to write. Well now those kids are off and out at school, I once more have that delicious time - and I'm really enjoying the luxury of beginning to write about me and mine again.

The floodgates are opened, the thoughts are flowing, the talking is done and now it's time to start acting.

I AM inspired - and this time, I've done my own inspiring!

Procrastination?… No, I'm thinking!

Why do today what you can put off til tomorrow!. All house is clean and tidied, drop files re-labelled and organised, I don't even have any marking to do really… and still I haven't started on my book. Really stumped. Thinking about it so much, trying to get my ideas together about what kids want to be reading about, what can inspire my protagonist  why someone would be against him, how much technology to use in the writing, as it's dated so quickly…… I guess there's a lot of background thought going on for my book and until I really know what it's going to be about and what the message I'm trying to get across is, it's pretty hard to get going. I think a lot of writers must have a dream or an opinion that they want to share. I'm not really there. Just know I want it to have some form of time travel and fantasy elements, mainly because that's what interests me. They say you should write about what you know - well I know about kids and teaching and schools, so that sort of steers me too. I know I want it to appeal to boys, but really, I know more about girls (my own,) so I'm still working through on that one.
I AM thinking, and there's a lot of thought going on. Don't beat yourself up girl, calling yourself a procrastinator…celebrate and be positive about the work going on in the old grey matter. It'll come together with a bit more thought and inspiration.
Now there's a rambling run of thoughts!

A Freshly Laundered Sky

It's funny when you find your inspiration from your 8 year old daughter. Makes you question your own sense of creativity, but I was quite taken by something daughter no 1 said yesterday.

We were driving along in the car, as she piped up from the back, "The sky is so blue and fresh, it looks like it's just come out of the washing machine."

Beautiful.

I guess it's the sort of  thing I encourage my students to come up with in our creative writing sessions. So simple, yet says so much.

If my eight year old can do it - sure as hell, so can I!

As I was considering the freedom of being able to write about anything I wanted and 'letting it flow,' I guess similar images were conjured in my mind. I saw an article recently about an artist who draws beautiful designs in a newly washed beach, spending  hours to create something incredible, only for it to be washed away again by the next tide.

http://www.viralnova.com/beach-art/

That beach, that 'clean page' is where I am now, yet feeling inspired to turn it into something beautiful with my own hand. And this is my space and this is my time.

The First 'Golden Day'

So I dropped off the kids and walking home, was filled with thoughts about what I wanted to achieve on this, my first Golden Day of the year. I coined the phrase "Golden Day' years ago when daughter No1 had her first day at Day Care. A Golden Day is one of those precious days when you're not working and have no kids to look after - so it's all about you.

My thoughts were flowing thick and fast…. about getting on the blog and writing my first 'proper' post of the year, taking out all the old notes I made years ago when I first felt I should get writing a children's' book, maybe even actually beginning the first chapter - letting it flow and see where it goes...

When I returned home, I thought about it while I was hanging out the washing, I thought really hard while I was vacuuming, thought long and hard while prepping the kids dinner for tonight, had ideas for inspirational photos whilst cleaning the bathrooms…..and then I sat down to start...

… and I'm left with an hour before they get home. But I've had lots of thoughts!

And oh, look - there's my post. Not quite what I had in mind, but it's a start!

So What's my Calling?

I've been quite despondent about myself. I look at other people who seem to have achieved so much: family, business, fame, sporting or arts prowess - and I feel inadequate. I feel like I've let myself down as there's no reason for me not having done more. Don't get me wrong - I have everything I could want and I'm really happy. I love Adrian to pieces, love my beautiful girls, love where I live, love my job. everything is perfect. Now I need to prove that I have something else to offer the world. 

So what will I excel at?

• I found the Olympics absolutely inspirational! The hours of practice and dedication the athletes show puts me to absolute shame. I've never excelled in any sport (unless you count the under 11s netball team!) but then, I've never excelled at putting in the time and effort (or the inclination!) I'm crap at exercise - do some every few months.... and finally at 42 have come to the realisation that I know I'll never be skinny and I'm beginning to be happy with the body I've got! It's only took 42 years!
• I have absolutely no inclination  to become a business entrepreneur - the thought horrifies me! Funny that I have NO drive to do this and the idea of anything financial make me run for the hills. I think my innate fear of financial comes from school. I was absent for the lesson on shares and taxes, never caught up, never 'got it' and now, point blank refuse to have anything to do with them and refuse to try to understand. (This is actually quite liberating and incitieful - I had no idea I felt so strongly, but every word is true!)
• Writing...Now this is my sticking point. I really WANT to do some writing. I enjoy doing it, I'm not bad at it, I feel I could do just as well as many of the authors whose books I read - but I've just never got 'round to it.' I have no excuses anymore, they're running lame (no time, young kids etc etc) I've had an idea for years...so why aren't I acting upon it?  No reasons Coll!

I've always (prided myself on?) being the jack of all trades, the king of none. This little saying was told to me when I was about 10. I remember thinking that one day I would be the 'King' of something. Now I wonder whether I really will and how I  feel if I accept that I'm not. I used to say I did a little bit of everything - drama, singing, sport, camping, hiking, gym, first aid, craft, art - and never got to the top at anything. I thought it was good to be an all-rounder; appropriate for primary teaching. And I've always been happy with this.

Do I want to excel at anything, or do I feel that I ought to want to - to leave my mark on life; a legacy; to make me unforgettable? I know I'll be unforgettable to the people that count. The one thing I feel I really have excelled at, is giving my family the love, skills and attention they need to help them to become happy, well-rounded people.

That's enough, isn't it? It is, it should be, so why the ramblings? Is there a hole unfilled? An itch unscratched? A dream left wanting....

Blog Envy

It's interesting, but I decided I wanted to write a blog to formalise my thoughts and give me 'somewhere' to think and yet, it's opened up much more to me. I've been looking around at other people's blogs - some are 'award winning' with hundreds of followers each day - and it made me consider just how many millions of people are out there, also wanting to have somewhere to write and have thinking 'space'.
What amazes me, is that so many of them seem really inciteful and have been established for years (I've only just learnt about them!) Moreso, millions of people subscribe, read and comment on them everyday.

How did I miss out on all this, where do people find the time??? They can't have jobs..... or kids, can they?

I feel really inspired by a blog I came across, (and subscribed to, read everyday and intend to comment on when I'm feeling brave enough!) It's "Wicked Whimsy" In it, she's cited some really interesting links about writing  and creativity, she's put a few in about her personal life and commented on things that are happening in the world that have interested or touched her.

Now I've got blog envy.

I want to be this exciting,  well-subscribed, frequent blogger with lots to say that's interesting to others. I even like her title!

I'm being very positive. I'm going to keep reading what she has to say, feed off it, and hopefully be further inspired by it.... Rome wasn't built in a blah blah blah!