Inspiration...

I love our house! Sitting here in our backyard, listening to the lorikeets squawking and whistling away, their colourful bodies darting around or peeping out from the greenery, the sun shining on the treetops, casting delicious shadows upon the ground...it's idyllic! I'm so lucky!

Really, who wouldn't want to be sitting here right now? It IS inspirational. I just want to sit back, soak it all in and never forget the moment.

I've been very conscious of the passing of time recently. Very aware of my own mortality and the changes that are taking place within me, both physically and mentally. I'm beginning to see how the body can fail you, before the mind is ready. Every time I see an old person with a  stick or slowly making their way across a busy road, it gives me pause for deeper thought...they were once young, managing a family and work, rushing, busy, painfree...and I will one day be like them. I guess the irony of life is that no matter how much you read about ageing and the passing of time, no matter how many times someone tells you to treasure what you have, (your youth,  the excitement of new love, beautiful young children with their innocence and lives before them) you cannot truly appreciate it until the moment has passed and you allow your self time to reflect upon it. Well, that's what I'm doing now! And boy, I have  been so lucky!
And will hopefully continue to be - there's lots of life left to be lived to the full yet - and I guess I'm starting to want to live it to the full and appreciate it more, as my time moves on.

Where's the spark gone?

where's my spark gone?

Well, I've been into hospital, felt terrible for ages and feel that I just might be creeping round the corner to recovery. The fact I've finally found the energy to post is amazing me in itself. I'm beginning to get back a bit of that Coll-drive and feel I want to be achieving more than I am right now.

Work is ok - far too much of it to do in the time I get, end up working til crazy o'clock at home - and it's only going to intensify when I'm full time in a few weeks. That's one reason, I think why I feel more compelled to have something else to focus on in my life.

Kids are being really difficult at the minute - I waver between feeling like a helicopter-over-anxious parent, to one who needs to be there more for her child. They need to build resilience and stand up for themselves, but they're also so fragile and still very little. They're young for such short time, I want them to look back on a happy childhood where I was there for them - but also need them to be strong women to cope with the future.

Been doing heaps of reading lately, some trash, some parenting advice….and feel quite reflective. That's good.

Had a great idea for a website that I feel could be a real hit and there seems to be nothing out there like it at the moment. It's certainly set a fluttering of  momentum deep inside… who knows. It's something that could catch on big time and have many contributions from many places. I like that idea!

Back in it…?

Well I''ve been around the world again… and now know it's got to be time to get back to it! Finding it hard to 'stir the stumps,' but forcing myself.

Was very pleased to have written 3 chapters of my book, and I'm quite pleased with how it's going. I'm sure it's totally not what publishers are looking for, both in style and genre, but it's something, and it's my something! Whilst it looks like it could be a very basic 10 chapter easy reader, I'm determined to finish it, for finishing's sake!

Been feeling very tired today, had an arvo kip instead of writing. Had bad news that I'm going to be getting the sinus surgery I knew was coming, in 4 weeks! Much sooner than I expected. Feeling very nervous actually. Before then however, I have school reports to start and finish. Stress levels are rising as all the other staff seem to be well into them. I have yet to start (even manage to procrastinate at that !) Also, found out that I'll be working full time for the second half of the year, which has suddenly condensed the time I have to do my book into a few precious days…… and I've been asleep for most of this one.

Not in the most positive frame of mind mentally today, am I! Guess I need to get out into this gorgeous late autumn sun and catch some rays, do some steps and revitalise myself. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm building in my determination, not only to start reports, but to get another Chapter written before I get back to work…

We'll see….

…..And She's Off!

OFF THE BLOCKS!

HOORAY!! I've done it! I've finally made a start! Chapter one of my first ever book almost complete!

It wasn't actually as hard as I was making out. I literally took the advice of every writing site I've been procrastinating over the last few weeks, and started to write.

It's certainly not perfect and I know I need to make a few changes already, but I've got a plan and I'm feeling very happy about it. I decided that the book idea I've had on the back-burner for over 8 years now, is just giving me a headache, it's so complicated, so I started something else altogether and I'm keeping it simple. Probably too simple, but at least I'll have something down and done.

My aim now is to write another 2 chapters this week.

Decided I need a laptop of my own, so I can get down to it any time I like!

A happy lady…..and I've still managed to include some time travel in my story…you see, I AM a nerd!

Book Trap!

Oh boy, I love to read. I love it when you get so totally engrossed in a book that you think about it when you're away from it, dying to know what's going to happen, looking forward to getting back to it, thinking about what you can get away without doing so that you can read more..... and getting nothing else done!

That's me now, so stuck in to a book I can hardly function outside of it. So much has been put on hold until I've finished it.
I'm so proud of myself for  actually doing what I said I'd do and writing something today....though the irony is...it's about my book! Only another 100 pages to go and life can restart!
Except, I found out today that there's a sequel...Sorry kids!

Been Around The World…..

I've done my fair share of travelling - and still have the desire to do much more, but has it really changed the person who I am inside. I think it has…although, that could just be the travelling through time…I've matured as I've matured!

It's always a suspended moment in time when you chance upon an old travel diary, as I did earlier today. I've always been an avid keeper of diaries when we're away on holiday; including postcards, admit tickets, maps etc to remind me - a little like scrap-booking now I come to think of it (or as near as I'll ever get to doing scrap-booking!)  I love re-reading them.

Reading a diary isn't just about remembering a place where you've been, what you did, what you saw etc it's about capturing a moment, the very essence of it - the emotions, the  thoughts, the 'you' that used to be. I find the past 'me', quite fascinating to read. It's so interesting to see what things I thought worth writing about: how they made me feel, how I thought I should be writing and the language I was using, what feelings I'd had for my partner back then, what new discoveries I'd made (and the emotions that went with them.)

Just re-read my diary from our first trip to Australia - we later emigrated, but the seeds were planted form the very first day we were there.. How could I have known? It's not the memories of visiting the Opera House , Barrier Reef etc for the first time that are interesting to read, but the everyday relationships and my reactions to situations that I find so fascinating to look back on. And I was so insecure. I thought I was a pretty confident, outgoing leader at work, but it was funny that once I was back in the mix with certain individuals from my younger life, whom I'd always felt I didn't quite match up to, socially, financially, class-wise(?) - I immediately questioned myself and the way I acted. I'm not sure I still do that - I think time has taught me to be myself and I don't really care what people think anymore….I don't think.

I love to read the excitement I capture in my 'firsts' and the coy way I write about sex, as if I still expect my  mum or someone to maybe read it one day! I love the steadiness of my Mr A and the way that even 25 years on, he's still my rock - been a pebble and even a boulder every so often, but generally a good solid rock. We've grown up together, shaped each other into becoming the people we are - and luckily I still like those people!

I have really detailed diaries from Thailand, Russia, Australia, France and Iceland, spanning about 10 years before kids. And then nothing! I guess the fact that I wrote about morning sickness at length in the last of my diaries show that having kids really did put a stop to the delicious time I made for myself to write. Well now those kids are off and out at school, I once more have that delicious time - and I'm really enjoying the luxury of beginning to write about me and mine again.

The floodgates are opened, the thoughts are flowing, the talking is done and now it's time to start acting.

I AM inspired - and this time, I've done my own inspiring!

Procrastination?… No, I'm thinking!

Why do today what you can put off til tomorrow!. All house is clean and tidied, drop files re-labelled and organised, I don't even have any marking to do really… and still I haven't started on my book. Really stumped. Thinking about it so much, trying to get my ideas together about what kids want to be reading about, what can inspire my protagonist  why someone would be against him, how much technology to use in the writing, as it's dated so quickly…… I guess there's a lot of background thought going on for my book and until I really know what it's going to be about and what the message I'm trying to get across is, it's pretty hard to get going. I think a lot of writers must have a dream or an opinion that they want to share. I'm not really there. Just know I want it to have some form of time travel and fantasy elements, mainly because that's what interests me. They say you should write about what you know - well I know about kids and teaching and schools, so that sort of steers me too. I know I want it to appeal to boys, but really, I know more about girls (my own,) so I'm still working through on that one.
I AM thinking, and there's a lot of thought going on. Don't beat yourself up girl, calling yourself a procrastinator…celebrate and be positive about the work going on in the old grey matter. It'll come together with a bit more thought and inspiration.
Now there's a rambling run of thoughts!

A Freshly Laundered Sky

It's funny when you find your inspiration from your 8 year old daughter. Makes you question your own sense of creativity, but I was quite taken by something daughter no 1 said yesterday.

We were driving along in the car, as she piped up from the back, "The sky is so blue and fresh, it looks like it's just come out of the washing machine."

Beautiful.

I guess it's the sort of  thing I encourage my students to come up with in our creative writing sessions. So simple, yet says so much.

If my eight year old can do it - sure as hell, so can I!

As I was considering the freedom of being able to write about anything I wanted and 'letting it flow,' I guess similar images were conjured in my mind. I saw an article recently about an artist who draws beautiful designs in a newly washed beach, spending  hours to create something incredible, only for it to be washed away again by the next tide.

http://www.viralnova.com/beach-art/

That beach, that 'clean page' is where I am now, yet feeling inspired to turn it into something beautiful with my own hand. And this is my space and this is my time.

The First 'Golden Day'

So I dropped off the kids and walking home, was filled with thoughts about what I wanted to achieve on this, my first Golden Day of the year. I coined the phrase "Golden Day' years ago when daughter No1 had her first day at Day Care. A Golden Day is one of those precious days when you're not working and have no kids to look after - so it's all about you.

My thoughts were flowing thick and fast…. about getting on the blog and writing my first 'proper' post of the year, taking out all the old notes I made years ago when I first felt I should get writing a children's' book, maybe even actually beginning the first chapter - letting it flow and see where it goes...

When I returned home, I thought about it while I was hanging out the washing, I thought really hard while I was vacuuming, thought long and hard while prepping the kids dinner for tonight, had ideas for inspirational photos whilst cleaning the bathrooms…..and then I sat down to start...

… and I'm left with an hour before they get home. But I've had lots of thoughts!

And oh, look - there's my post. Not quite what I had in mind, but it's a start!

So What's my Calling?

I've been quite despondent about myself. I look at other people who seem to have achieved so much: family, business, fame, sporting or arts prowess - and I feel inadequate. I feel like I've let myself down as there's no reason for me not having done more. Don't get me wrong - I have everything I could want and I'm really happy. I love Adrian to pieces, love my beautiful girls, love where I live, love my job. everything is perfect. Now I need to prove that I have something else to offer the world. 

So what will I excel at?

• I found the Olympics absolutely inspirational! The hours of practice and dedication the athletes show puts me to absolute shame. I've never excelled in any sport (unless you count the under 11s netball team!) but then, I've never excelled at putting in the time and effort (or the inclination!) I'm crap at exercise - do some every few months.... and finally at 42 have come to the realisation that I know I'll never be skinny and I'm beginning to be happy with the body I've got! It's only took 42 years!
• I have absolutely no inclination  to become a business entrepreneur - the thought horrifies me! Funny that I have NO drive to do this and the idea of anything financial make me run for the hills. I think my innate fear of financial comes from school. I was absent for the lesson on shares and taxes, never caught up, never 'got it' and now, point blank refuse to have anything to do with them and refuse to try to understand. (This is actually quite liberating and incitieful - I had no idea I felt so strongly, but every word is true!)
• Writing...Now this is my sticking point. I really WANT to do some writing. I enjoy doing it, I'm not bad at it, I feel I could do just as well as many of the authors whose books I read - but I've just never got 'round to it.' I have no excuses anymore, they're running lame (no time, young kids etc etc) I've had an idea for years...so why aren't I acting upon it?  No reasons Coll!

I've always (prided myself on?) being the jack of all trades, the king of none. This little saying was told to me when I was about 10. I remember thinking that one day I would be the 'King' of something. Now I wonder whether I really will and how I  feel if I accept that I'm not. I used to say I did a little bit of everything - drama, singing, sport, camping, hiking, gym, first aid, craft, art - and never got to the top at anything. I thought it was good to be an all-rounder; appropriate for primary teaching. And I've always been happy with this.

Do I want to excel at anything, or do I feel that I ought to want to - to leave my mark on life; a legacy; to make me unforgettable? I know I'll be unforgettable to the people that count. The one thing I feel I really have excelled at, is giving my family the love, skills and attention they need to help them to become happy, well-rounded people.

That's enough, isn't it? It is, it should be, so why the ramblings? Is there a hole unfilled? An itch unscratched? A dream left wanting....

Blog Envy

It's interesting, but I decided I wanted to write a blog to formalise my thoughts and give me 'somewhere' to think and yet, it's opened up much more to me. I've been looking around at other people's blogs - some are 'award winning' with hundreds of followers each day - and it made me consider just how many millions of people are out there, also wanting to have somewhere to write and have thinking 'space'.
What amazes me, is that so many of them seem really inciteful and have been established for years (I've only just learnt about them!) Moreso, millions of people subscribe, read and comment on them everyday.

How did I miss out on all this, where do people find the time??? They can't have jobs..... or kids, can they?

I feel really inspired by a blog I came across, (and subscribed to, read everyday and intend to comment on when I'm feeling brave enough!) It's "Wicked Whimsy" In it, she's cited some really interesting links about writing  and creativity, she's put a few in about her personal life and commented on things that are happening in the world that have interested or touched her.

Now I've got blog envy.

I want to be this exciting,  well-subscribed, frequent blogger with lots to say that's interesting to others. I even like her title!

I'm being very positive. I'm going to keep reading what she has to say, feed off it, and hopefully be further inspired by it.... Rome wasn't built in a blah blah blah!